Hey Shawty

When I was just knee high to a grasshopper I would  kneel at the foot of my bed and pray, not for humanity, my family or even to marry LL Cool J (it was the early 90’s) but that I would grow up to be 5′ 9″  just like Cindy Crawford.  (If that’s not a run on sentence I don’t know what is.  Also, I don’t know what is.)  When I entered my sophomore year of high school at just under 5′ 5″ it occurred to me that God may have other priorities aside from my wish for super model stature.  (He did, however, see that Curb Your Enthusiasm debuted on HBO so there’s that.)

So I did what any other materialistic, image obsessed short stack would do.  I spent every last penny I had buying heels.  While other teens scrimped and saved for college (or beer more likely) I was amassing a collection of pumps no other girl in my high school could rival.  (Yeah, I know!)  In hindsight that may be why my higher education amounts to a single semester of community college.  That may also have something to do with the fact that I couldn’t even qualify for college level math so I had to go to something called a “Work Force Training Center”.  I think the abbreviation for that is D.U.M.B.

In my “adult” life I have found that on occasion I am required to wear a flat.  I have exactly 5 pairs.  Some Nike sneakers (I wear them to Jamba Juice when I pretend to workout) a pair of suede riding boots and three pairs of LC Lauren Conrad flip flops (aka the ONLY thongs I will wear) available at Kohls.  They come in matte, metallic and faux patent leather as well as a variety of colors.  You will want them all and for just $7.99 to 12.99 a pop (they are currently on sale) why the heck not!?

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Like the “Plastics” in Mean Girls I have rules for flats and if someone I hang with doesn’t follow them they can’t sit with me!!!  They gotta be fitted, thin and super chic just like LC’s.  Remember the platform thongs of the early 2000’s?  So cringe worthy!  I was definitely sporting those with low-rise Buckle jeans and an unfortunate fitted logo tee.  Throw in raging acne a healthy misting of cucumber melon body spray and it really is a wonder that I spent lunch in the library.  That’s four years of my life in a nutshell.

The End!

Let’s meet back here Thursday to chat about why the outside really does matter!

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