I Got Jumped

It was fourth grade, I had just gotten a very chic bob and I was wearing a yellow jumpsuit dotted with purple and pink daisies.  Hawt!!!  I remember going to school thinking I was literally wearing the coolest outfit of all time.  There’s just something about wearing a shirt connected to pants that makes me feel super sexy!  (I imagine guys hate this look about as much as peplums and leggings.)

Finding the right jumpsuit is no small feat.  As easy as J Lo makes it look most ladies will have to try on about 48 different styles before finding one that doesn’t make you look pregnant, 20 pounds overweight or like a giant baby wearing a onesie.  Lucky for you ladies I’ve done the leg work and found what I believe is the unicorn of jumpsuits at my beloved Kohls (yet another juniors section find!)

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Good Abs At The Gap

I will never forget the first pair of jeans I bought from Gap.  It was my sophomore year of High School and the “long & lean’s” were my cut (which is ironic because I was neither long nor lean.)  I had a kind of uniform that year.  I wore my long and leans stiletto boots and either a turtleneck, jean jacket or something cashmere I got on clearance.  I was 16 going on 25 and slightly delusional. To this day I can’t find a pair of jeans that fit quite like the long a leans circa 2001.

On a recent shopping trip I decided to give Gap the good old college try.  So I crashed a Sigma Chi/ Alpha Gamma Delta mixer, got “piss’d in the brook” and made my way to a mall.  A little thrown off by “piss’d in the brook??”  I was looking up synonyms for inebriated and I came across a list of Ben Franklin’s 200+ Synonyms for “drunk” as published in the Pennsylvania Gazette January 6, 1737.  Here are a few of my other favorites: Owes no Man a Farthing, Sir Richard has taken off his Considering Cap, Juicy, Smelt of an Onion, Wasted his Paunch.  Getting hosed sounded way more classy in the 1700’s!  Anyway, as I was saying I gave Gap a try and I found some great pieces to share with you.

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Hey Shawty

When I was just knee high to a grasshopper I would  kneel at the foot of my bed and pray, not for humanity, my family or even to marry LL Cool J (it was the early 90’s) but that I would grow up to be 5′ 9″  just like Cindy Crawford.  (If that’s not a run on sentence I don’t know what is.  Also, I don’t know what is.)  When I entered my sophomore year of high school at just under 5′ 5″ it occurred to me that God may have other priorities aside from my wish for super model stature.  (He did, however, see that Curb Your Enthusiasm debuted on HBO so there’s that.)

So I did what any other materialistic, image obsessed short stack would do.  I spent every last penny I had buying heels.  While other teens scrimped and saved for college (or beer more likely) I was amassing a collection of pumps no other girl in my high school could rival.  (Yeah, I know!)  In hindsight that may be why my higher education amounts to a single semester of community college.  That may also have something to do with the fact that I couldn’t even qualify for college level math so I had to go to something called a “Work Force Training Center”.  I think the abbreviation for that is D.U.M.B.

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Confessions at Kohl’s

I shop at Kohl’s religiously and by that I mean I take communion (Starbucks), there’s a lot of judgement (in the dressing room) and before I leave I give them all my money!  Now let’s all pray I can pay off my card before the second coming.  Amen!

Today I’m sharing some of my fave Kohl’s finds of the summer but before I go any further I feel that I have to be up front with you, my dedicated readers, followers, fans really.  I think it’s important that all 7 of you know the clothes I am recommending are from (don’t you dare judge me!) the juniors department.   Here’s the thing, if you can get away with it and have little to no shame you can find some cool stuff in juniors and it’s so much cheaper than the women’s section.  Plus, you feel really cool when some girl is there with her mom and she’s like “I want this dress” and her mom’s like “no it’s too short” and she’s like “your ruining my life” and I’m like “I’m 30 years old and I can dress like a street-walker whenever I want!”

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