Hack Nordstrom Rack

Who doesn’t appreciate a good rack?!  I know whenever I see one I can’t help but stare.  But let’s get back to clothes.  Shopping at Nordstrom Rack is virtually a militant experience.  One must have a fool proof plan of attack and an unwavering commitment to dressing better than other people.  Below are my five tips to Hack Nordstrom Rack.

Prepare Mentally.  Right now The Sopranos theme song “Woke Up This Morning” is doing it for me.  There’s just something about gun violence that puts in in a head space to find that perfect Spring frock.

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Nordstrom Swimsuit + Tipsy Evangelist + Vegas

On Thursday the 17th a plane from Perth, AU, a plane from Austin, TX and a plane from Spokane, WA will make their way to Vegas carrying three blondes (I’m the only natural) and more clothes than a drag queen could wear over the course of a busy month.  That’s right folks, my twin and our triplet from another mother will be holding court in Vegas for four whole days.  I’m ready to hold back some hair , preach the gospel and talk my way into VIP parties (people can never find me on the list because Melissa is such and exotic name.)

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Hypochondria, Sequins, Banana Republic

So remember my attempt at running last week?  I have been in so much pain the last few days I cannot even tell you!  Through my research on Web MD it appears that my body is in such an atrophied state from lack of physical activity that even the slightest amount of exertion leaves me feeling like doodoo.  Or I have a tape worm.  It’s hard to say!  But enough about my hypochondria/imminent tape worm death let’s talk about my most recent self diagnosed health issue, oniomania, or compulsive buying disorder.  Also known as me sobbing over my last Visa statement.

I’ve been hitting the pavement hard this week searching for more black, grey, white and denim.  If you’re holding out for a post with colors, patterns or anything shiny this blog is not for you.  Also, sequins are not for day they are for Atlantic City.  Sorry.  I’m sick of seeing your shiny ass out on streets.  Your parents don’t love you.  I may have taken this too far.  But seriously you look like a disco ball.  This is not the remake of Saturday Night Fever, it’s an Applebee’s.  Okay, now I’m done.

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I Got Jumped

It was fourth grade, I had just gotten a very chic bob and I was wearing a yellow jumpsuit dotted with purple and pink daisies.  Hawt!!!  I remember going to school thinking I was literally wearing the coolest outfit of all time.  There’s just something about wearing a shirt connected to pants that makes me feel super sexy!  (I imagine guys hate this look about as much as peplums and leggings.)

Finding the right jumpsuit is no small feat.  As easy as J Lo makes it look most ladies will have to try on about 48 different styles before finding one that doesn’t make you look pregnant, 20 pounds overweight or like a giant baby wearing a onesie.  Lucky for you ladies I’ve done the leg work and found what I believe is the unicorn of jumpsuits at my beloved Kohls (yet another juniors section find!)

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Let’s Get High & Wasted!

I am such a butter fingers, what I meant was let’s get high waisted.  Wait, what did you think?  Moi?!  How dare you!  You know very well I am an upstanding citizen and I do not condone recreational drug use or over indulging in the alter wine!  My mom reads this blog yo!  If you see her (she goes to Fred Meyer about 13 times a week) I expect an apology to her.  She is a saint and she brought me up better than that!!!!  Sorry I have to be so hard on you guys but no one messes with my mom.


I think the high-waisted silhouette is super feminine and flattering but I also think it allows for the occasional indulgence.  For instance let’s say you, I don’t know, just discovered Ritz Toasted Chips.  Maybe you start watching a Real Housewives marathon and three hours later the box is gone.  (I mean 8.1 ounces is really not that much so I don’t think this is such a far fetched story.)  So after all that salt a person, any person, probably someone you don’t know, has a craving for something sweet so they drive to the nearest gas station like an addict on their way to a fix and completely, by accident, take out one of those signs that says “Kids At Play”.

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Good Abs At The Gap

I will never forget the first pair of jeans I bought from Gap.  It was my sophomore year of High School and the “long & lean’s” were my cut (which is ironic because I was neither long nor lean.)  I had a kind of uniform that year.  I wore my long and leans stiletto boots and either a turtleneck, jean jacket or something cashmere I got on clearance.  I was 16 going on 25 and slightly delusional. To this day I can’t find a pair of jeans that fit quite like the long a leans circa 2001.

On a recent shopping trip I decided to give Gap the good old college try.  So I crashed a Sigma Chi/ Alpha Gamma Delta mixer, got “piss’d in the brook” and made my way to a mall.  A little thrown off by “piss’d in the brook??”  I was looking up synonyms for inebriated and I came across a list of Ben Franklin’s 200+ Synonyms for “drunk” as published in the Pennsylvania Gazette January 6, 1737.  Here are a few of my other favorites: Owes no Man a Farthing, Sir Richard has taken off his Considering Cap, Juicy, Smelt of an Onion, Wasted his Paunch.  Getting hosed sounded way more classy in the 1700’s!  Anyway, as I was saying I gave Gap a try and I found some great pieces to share with you.

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Hey Shawty

When I was just knee high to a grasshopper I would  kneel at the foot of my bed and pray, not for humanity, my family or even to marry LL Cool J (it was the early 90’s) but that I would grow up to be 5′ 9″  just like Cindy Crawford.  (If that’s not a run on sentence I don’t know what is.  Also, I don’t know what is.)  When I entered my sophomore year of high school at just under 5′ 5″ it occurred to me that God may have other priorities aside from my wish for super model stature.  (He did, however, see that Curb Your Enthusiasm debuted on HBO so there’s that.)

So I did what any other materialistic, image obsessed short stack would do.  I spent every last penny I had buying heels.  While other teens scrimped and saved for college (or beer more likely) I was amassing a collection of pumps no other girl in my high school could rival.  (Yeah, I know!)  In hindsight that may be why my higher education amounts to a single semester of community college.  That may also have something to do with the fact that I couldn’t even qualify for college level math so I had to go to something called a “Work Force Training Center”.  I think the abbreviation for that is D.U.M.B.

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My Love Letter To Nordstrom

I could just make a few jokes about Nordstrom’s heave worth flattery tactics or their penchant for stuffing your purchase into the smallest bag possible but that just isn’t my way now is it.

The year was 2007 and I was going through a surprisingly rigorous interview process in orders to land myself a job slinging clothes at Nordstrom. I couldn’t actually afford to wear the clothes I was selling but I considered my status as a Nordy’s shop girl quite desirable.

My first few days on the job were all about brainwashing training, “perception is reality!”  (I wake up in a cold sweat to this day with that mantra ringing in my ears.)    Myself and the other recruits watched some hopelessly outdated videos presented by the HR department (apparently it takes what looks like and old episode of Roseanne to teach folks not to be racist) and we attempted to stay conscious while a grown woman literally leaped around the room like some sort of Nordstrom adult cheerleader. Be aggressive, be be, aggressive!

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Confessions at Kohl’s

I shop at Kohl’s religiously and by that I mean I take communion (Starbucks), there’s a lot of judgement (in the dressing room) and before I leave I give them all my money!  Now let’s all pray I can pay off my card before the second coming.  Amen!

Today I’m sharing some of my fave Kohl’s finds of the summer but before I go any further I feel that I have to be up front with you, my dedicated readers, followers, fans really.  I think it’s important that all 7 of you know the clothes I am recommending are from (don’t you dare judge me!) the juniors department.   Here’s the thing, if you can get away with it and have little to no shame you can find some cool stuff in juniors and it’s so much cheaper than the women’s section.  Plus, you feel really cool when some girl is there with her mom and she’s like “I want this dress” and her mom’s like “no it’s too short” and she’s like “your ruining my life” and I’m like “I’m 30 years old and I can dress like a street-walker whenever I want!”

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The Perfect T-Shirt

I can hardly remember my closet before I found it.  From what I can recall it was a sad and lonely place full of body conscious judgement.  (Does anyone else have a super skinny and bitchy closet?!)  What did I wear on those self loathing days before it came into my life?? (I call it Kardashianitis or insecurity caused by watching too much Keeping Up With The Kardashians.)  Like a bad hangover the only cure for Kardashianitis is more Kardashians.  Bible!  Every girl has had this day (or month!)  You just want something easy to throw on that doesn’t remind you late night Taco Bell runs are wreaking havoc on your midsection.  (Fourth meal is the devil!)

Enter the perfect t-shirt or as I like to call it God’s gift to women!  It’s not fitted, but it’s not frumpy, it’s not a burn-out yet it has that soft perfectly worn in quality along with a necessary droopy front pocket.  I love this t-shirt because I can just throw it on anytime I’m having the aforementioned twinge of body consciousness and I feel instantly chic with no sucking in necessary.  (I literally thought I cracked a rib the other day in a crop top!)

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