Let’s Get High & Wasted!

I am such a butter fingers, what I meant was let’s get high waisted.  Wait, what did you think?  Moi?!  How dare you!  You know very well I am an upstanding citizen and I do not condone recreational drug use or over indulging in the alter wine!  My mom reads this blog yo!  If you see her (she goes to Fred Meyer about 13 times a week) I expect an apology to her.  She is a saint and she brought me up better than that!!!!  Sorry I have to be so hard on you guys but no one messes with my mom.

Anyways…..

I think the high-waisted silhouette is super feminine and flattering but I also think it allows for the occasional indulgence.  For instance let’s say you, I don’t know, just discovered Ritz Toasted Chips.  Maybe you start watching a Real Housewives marathon and three hours later the box is gone.  (I mean 8.1 ounces is really not that much so I don’t think this is such a far fetched story.)  So after all that salt a person, any person, probably someone you don’t know, has a craving for something sweet so they drive to the nearest gas station like an addict on their way to a fix and completely, by accident, take out one of those signs that says “Kids At Play”.

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Life Lessons With Sauvignon Blanc

First off I want to apologize for my random week and a half of missed posts.  What can I say, blogging is frickin hard yo!  I know for many of you this has been a difficult time as reading my posts are the highlight of your day.  I want to assure all of you that I take my work (art really) very seriously and I intend to keep up my end of the bargain to feed you baby birds every Tuesday and Thursday with the nuggets of wisdom you have come to know and love.  On a side note I want to thank everyone in advance for checking on me to make sure I hadn’t died in some horrible shopping mall escalator accident (or more likely that I wasn’t stooped over in a vineyard with a raging case of purple teeth.)  I haven’t actually received all your voice mails and texts as there is clearly something wrong with my phone but I can only imagine how worried you all were.

Today I have a confession.  For too long I have been dismissive of Sauvignon Blanc.  I’ve avoided it at tastings, balked at it’s mere presence on menus and opted for its slightly sweeter and heavier sister Pinot Grigio.  (I would know as I too have a slightly sweeter and heavier sister.  Hi Mikelle!)  Here’s how it went down.  I found myself in a predicament the other day when purchasing a cheese platter that came with a bottle of wine (otherwise known as dinner.)  My only options were a Merlot (If you’ve ever watched Sideways you understand how I feel about Merlot) or a Sauvignon Blanc.  I guess I’ll do the Sauvignon Blanc I said begrudgingly.

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Good Abs At The Gap

I will never forget the first pair of jeans I bought from Gap.  It was my sophomore year of High School and the “long & lean’s” were my cut (which is ironic because I was neither long nor lean.)  I had a kind of uniform that year.  I wore my long and leans stiletto boots and either a turtleneck, jean jacket or something cashmere I got on clearance.  I was 16 going on 25 and slightly delusional. To this day I can’t find a pair of jeans that fit quite like the long a leans circa 2001.

On a recent shopping trip I decided to give Gap the good old college try.  So I crashed a Sigma Chi/ Alpha Gamma Delta mixer, got “piss’d in the brook” and made my way to a mall.  A little thrown off by “piss’d in the brook??”  I was looking up synonyms for inebriated and I came across a list of Ben Franklin’s 200+ Synonyms for “drunk” as published in the Pennsylvania Gazette January 6, 1737.  Here are a few of my other favorites: Owes no Man a Farthing, Sir Richard has taken off his Considering Cap, Juicy, Smelt of an Onion, Wasted his Paunch.  Getting hosed sounded way more classy in the 1700’s!  Anyway, as I was saying I gave Gap a try and I found some great pieces to share with you.

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Bottles

I don’t stand in front of a mirror every morning (or in my case afternoon) because I’m so in love with my face.  I do it because I’ve gotta take about eighty different products and smear them on my mug so that people will give me the time of day or respect me or at least know that I spend a considerable amount of time watching makeup tutorials on YouTube.  I don’t really think people will like me less (would that be possible??) without a carefully placed brow bone highlight but I know “packaging” is important and wine is no exception.

I’ve purchased plenty of wine because it was given 95 points by Wine Spectator or it was on sale or because some pretentious arse went on and on about it for so long that I bought it just so he would stop saying “unctuous”.  I’ve also bought wine because the bottle was pretty and I am just the sort of superficial person who likes to have a wine rack full of beautiful bottles.  Not surprisingly this strategy has led me to some disappointing purchases but I have also discovered some real gems.

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Hey Shawty

When I was just knee high to a grasshopper I would  kneel at the foot of my bed and pray, not for humanity, my family or even to marry LL Cool J (it was the early 90’s) but that I would grow up to be 5′ 9″  just like Cindy Crawford.  (If that’s not a run on sentence I don’t know what is.  Also, I don’t know what is.)  When I entered my sophomore year of high school at just under 5′ 5″ it occurred to me that God may have other priorities aside from my wish for super model stature.  (He did, however, see that Curb Your Enthusiasm debuted on HBO so there’s that.)

So I did what any other materialistic, image obsessed short stack would do.  I spent every last penny I had buying heels.  While other teens scrimped and saved for college (or beer more likely) I was amassing a collection of pumps no other girl in my high school could rival.  (Yeah, I know!)  In hindsight that may be why my higher education amounts to a single semester of community college.  That may also have something to do with the fact that I couldn’t even qualify for college level math so I had to go to something called a “Work Force Training Center”.  I think the abbreviation for that is D.U.M.B.

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